I thought I was so clever. I purposely bought a bikini that had removable straps so I could get an even tan.
First day by the pool, I put my sunscreen on nice and thick. Then, I removed the straps.
Can you guess what happened next?
I got a burn where my straps were. The EXACT OPPOSITE of what I wanted.
They should deport me back to Canada for being a dum-dum.
Do assholes wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say to themselves “I’m going to be the BEST asshole I can be today!” Make a “to do” list of all the terrible things they’re going to do to good people? Do they have asshole support groups or special asshole discounts for The Gap?
Part of me wants to cut assholes down to size, like an asshole-smiting superhero. Because I easily could with a few words and a look. But I won’t, because that would make me like them.
So I patiently wait for logic to visit me, rub a cat, and write a Tumblr post.
My husband and I were lying In bed. I was watching “The Walking Dead” and he was looking at pictures of models for an upcoming campaign.
These women were beautiful. And there I was. With unshaven legs, no makeup, and a Sesame Street t-shirt. And farting.
And all I could think was: I WIN AT LIFE.